And now what do I do with this?

This a wrote as notes in my cell phone while I was in the bus that brought me back from Sao Paulo, like 7 months ago... The tittle is literal from Wild Horse Chocolate-Coloured Scout in Zello one night in Posadas that I said no (and he had a tremendous erection).
Mixture of tears, betrayal and advances.


And now what do I do with this?
I didn't want to be like this.
Silence, frustration, dangerous...
How do I do to undo this?

And now what do I do with this?
I want to turn the time back,
why did you insist at the beginning?
If I told you that I had come much too late,
that no...

And now what do I do with this?
That I'm crazy and corrupted...
And I told you, what happened?, why you changed like this with me?
I didn't want this, I don't want it in this way.

And now what do I do with this?
... Can we go back?
Unchain my heart, set me free,
undo this spell please.

And now what do I do with this?
Because this isn't what I looked for with you.
I wanted and still want to give you little moments of joy,
little pieces of scape from your worries.

And now what do I do with this?
That I can undo it alone.
If in exchange I only wanted to lend me your smile,
your word and your happy look.

And now what do I do with this?
That isn't what I was looking for,
That doesn't allow me to make you enjoy and
doesn't give me pleasure either.

And now what do I do with this?
If I feel that this isn't love you as you deserve.
If I feel that you don't let me give you all I can...
although it do hurt a lot.

And now what do I do with this?
With this reject that I don't deserve.
I don't think I have done anything to receive this treatment from you.

And now what do I do with this?
With the pain to feel that you want to erase my presence,
that you ignore me that you avoid me that you isolate me...
but at the same time you chase and hunt me when you have fire.

And now what do I do with this?
With the sorrow that you do such evident that everybody notices it...
And they tell me, they ask me and
it hurts me more.

And now what do I do with this?
With this evilness that I perceive,
knowing you aren't like this...
Bad with me, just with me.

And now what do I do with this?
That you tell me I'm a punishment in your life.
Since when I started to be?
It hurts a lot deep down to hear you say this.

And now what do I do with this?
With your hesitation and your double speech,
with your hots when you feel me like and you pursue me,
because I don't know how to get out of this tangled up labyrinth of your spell.

And now what do I do with this?
With missing you, with your memories,
with the pain of can't stop thinking about you and
with the suffering to know that even we wanted it doesn't enough.

And now what do I do with this?
They always say that isn't greater suffering that an unrequited love,
but I think that they are wrong and I have known something worse:
a requited love, but prohibited and dangerous...

And now what do I do with this?
With this friendship that I don't know how much it will last
because it takes me horrors to keep it and
I have a huge desire to eat you up with kisses.

And now what do I do with this?
If the only thing I wanted was set you free from the prison of your bed,
From which you escape desperate on the weekends
Because on it you don't get what I trigger on you although I didn't want.
You little fool.